Jealous Guy
by JessiFaye
Summary: This is in the mind of Spike before he leaves to fight off Vicious. Yeah I know I suck at summeries, but this is my first time doing this.


_Note: I don't own Cowboy Bebop. This is my first fan fic. I really want to see if I can pull this off. I've wanted to put this on for a very long time. So go easy on me, Kay. _

_

* * *

_

_I was dreaming of the past_

_My heart was beating fast_

_I began to loose control_

_I began to loose control_

I walked through the corridor with my intentions of battling Vicious, everything to this point on was clear to me. My steps going closer to my destination to the swordfish to the syndicate. Until, I felt a cold shiver run down my spine to hear a click of a gun go through my ear drum, but I showed no reaction.

"Where are you going? Why are you going? You told me once... that the

past didn't matter..."

I knew she was upset, and I knew that making a smart-ass remark wasn't the way to make her go away.

"You're the one who's tied to their past!"

And she was right. I remember telling her that, to let go and move on, and I was sincere. Damn, what I'm doing now just makes me look like a damn hypocrite. Maybe I should have followed my own advice. I knew that she was trying to stop me. I didn't blame her, and I didn't try to argue.

I leaned into her and was face to face, close enough for our noses to touch, close enough to kiss her. I wanted to, just to feel her, touch her. I wanted to take all the pain in her soul away from her, or maybe I wanted to kiss her to tell her I'll never see her again and I do care for her and this is my way to say good-bye.

"Look at these eyes. One of them is a fake, because I lost it in an accident. Since then, I have been seeing the past in one eye, and the present in the other. I had believed that what I saw was not all of reality..."

I could tell she was hurt. She hurt because of me, I knew and I felt the guilt of betraying her. I saw fear in her eyes. She feared me because she knew she was expecting the worse. She didn't want to hear it, not what I had to say.

"Don't tell me things like that... You never told me anything about yourself! Don't tell me stuff like that now!"

But I had to continue. I know its too late to tell her this now and I do regret not opening up to her before, maybe if I did...maybe she would be able to understand what I'm doing now better. She had to understand why I 'm doing this.

"I thought I was watching a dream that I would never awaken from. Before I knew it, the dream was all over."

_I didn't mean to hurt you_

_I'm sorry that I made you cry_

_I didn't want to hurt you_

_I'm just a jealous guy_

I continued to walk down the corridor and didn't want to look back, because if I did, I won't be able to leave, I wouldn't leave her. I thought she would understand my reasons but...

"My... memory came back."

I stopped dead on my tracks once again feeling the shiver go down my spine, and once again, I showed no reaction. She brought up her past. Her past is what pained her. Damn this woman trying to stop my fate.

"But... nothing good came out of it. There was no place for me to return to..."

She remembers and it only makes matters worse. It only makes her pain more, only making me want to stay, only making me wanting to comfort her, wanting me to stay with her, making me fall for her. No, I fell for her the day she hummed and seeing her day dream while she played with her deck of cards, after I woke up from the incident at the church. She didn't hum off key, actually it was beautiful. I hated the fact it sound so beautiful and to make me think Julia was the only one. At the time, I wasn't blind to see I fell for Faye, it's just that I was too stubborn to want to see me falling for her.

"This was the only place I could go back to! But now...Where are you going! Why do you have to go! Are you telling me you're going to just throw your life away!"

I don't even know the answers to that, really why was I going? For Julia's death and to get revenge? No matter what I do. Julia won't come back, she's gone, but...if I...stay, what will I do here. Jet, he was injured because of me, they were hurting my...family because of my past. I will never forgive myself. I know I love her, and I know my love for her will stay with me forever but, it can not grow anymore than it does now. Julia, what about Julia? I loved her too, and if I stay it won't be fair to her, but it also won't be fair to Faye either. I will hurt her either way, if I stay or go she will either be hurt physically or emotionally. I need to go.

"I'm not going there to die. I'm going there to see if I really am alive."

_I was feeling insecure_

_You might not love me anymore_

_I was shivering inside_

_I was shivering inside_

I know she loved me. She made it so obvious without realizing it. She risked her life numerous times just to save mine. She will find anyway to irritate me so she can have our fights and bickering towards each other in a way to be close. Noticing every time I had my cigarette break time on the docks, she would follow just to be near me, but I seem to always do the same to her. Our relationship was weird and out-of-the-ordinary, but it was also one-of-a-kind which just made it genuine.

I walked on to the hanger towards the spacecrafts when I heard a gun go off, and each six bullets meant to be a pain that she was releasing for the both of us.

Bang!

This is for the emotional pain.

_I didn't mean to hurt you_

Bang!

This is for the suffering of the past.

_I'm sorry that I made you cry_

Bang!

This is for you

Bang!

This is for me

_I didn't want to hurt you_

Bang!

This is for love

_I'm just a jealous guy_

Bang!

This is to death

Getting into my spacecraft to leave the Bebop was the hardest challenge I'd ever had to do. Never thought it would be. While I started the engine, for a split moment, for the first time in my life, I actually have a conscience, if I should think twice of what I'm doing and what I'm not about to do. I know Faye is already taking this hard. While leaving the corridor, I heard her weep and cried, I never seen her cry, I know it was possible for her to cry, she wasn't the bitchy wrench I made it sound to be. But...for her to cry for me, and no one ever did, not even Julia shed tears for me. To cry for me, I never thought it being possible. Maybe I should at least do something in return, at least tell her the truth.

I noticed my carton of cigarettes was empty. I opened the box up to lay it flat, for I had no paper, and search of a pen and wrote...

'_Thank you for waking me up _

_from the dream. I'm forever in your dept._

_I give my love to you Faye.'_

_Love, Spike_

_I was trying to catch your eyes _

_Thought that you were trying to hide _

_I was swallowing my pain _

_I was swallowing my pain_

I laid the flat-open carton inside her Redtail and a place where she can see it. Then I took off in my Swordfish and off of the place I called home. I didn't want to look back but it felt like I had eyes in back of my head. I gave myself a half smile for my farewell good-bye once again, but...even now, far from the Bebop, I could still hear Faye's cries for me in my head and it won't leave...

_I didn't mean to hurt you_

_I'm sorry that I made you cry_

_I didn't want to hurt you_

_I'm just a jealous guy_

Her cries are still clear in my mind, as if she's right here with me. Damn, why? Why now? Why try to fight Vicious now? Why couldn't I love her this much before? And why couldn't I tell my love for her? She was right there, facing me just moments ago.

Though, she is right, I am a coward. Maybe I was going there to die… No, I'm not going there to die, I'm going there to see if I'm still alive, to see that my life was worth it, worth it to love Julia, worth betraying Vicious, worth befriending Jet, Ed, and even the mutt, and worth my time to love Faye. If I do die, I will make sure I won't die to Faye. I will want her to be safe and happy for now on. If I could, I will want to haunt her, I will want to watch her and make sure she gets the happiness she deserves. It's not fair to her if she doesn't, but it doesn't matter because I'll be here for her. I want her to be happy and find someone to love her as much as I do now.

* * *

Note: I do love this little one-shot story. Oh yeah! Don't sue me from the song written by the brilliant John Lennon "jealous Guy". Every time I listen to that song I always think about the love that sould of happen to spike and Faye. Thankyou. Oh yeah please review. I want to know if ita alright if I can put more of my stories in this web site.


End file.
